November 2017

I would love to take credit for this title, but I can’t.  All the credit goes to Bill Johnson from Bethel Church.   The road to victory in Jesus can be a tough one.  Only speaking for myself, I have endured doubt, struggle, fear, and rejection as well as unspeakable victory, revelation, and blessings.  I have learned that without faith, I cannot be victorious in my Christian walk but boy does the pull of the enemy seem strong at times.  I am coming out of an almost 10 years struggle and I know that I am set free and that the Lord is with me but I am finding that the hunger and desire I had for the Lord is not where it once was. I want to love my Lord with all my heart, mind and soul but I am struggling.  I hate where I am and I want more.  I am asking for more, crying out for more and as I seek the Lord He has assured me that “he has not forsaken me(Deut. 31:6).  But the struggle is still there.  Not because God is not helping me, but because I am battling with letting going.  God brought me out of the cave but I am still struggling with cave mentality.  And then God led me to this sermon.  It was totally by accident that I stumbled across Bill Johnson (this was my first time to hear him) and this sermon.  And as I have listened to it (three times so far) I know that I know that God is taking me to His stream of living waters.

Deut 3:8 “So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord.”

As I was listening this this sermon for the third time, I started to remember times in my life where I hungered the most for the things of God.  I had forgotten that in my thirties I had an overwhelming desire for my prayer language.  I would constantly go to the altar and ask God for this gift and yet time and time ago I left not having received it.  People would come up to me and tell me to do this or do that and I would receive my prayer language but to no avail.  I was unhappy in my Christian walk and did not know what to do.  And then New Year’s Eve a friend of my called to say she was taking me to church and she refused to take no for an answer.  I went begrudgingly not expecting anything and it was that night that God gave me what I had been seeking for so long, my prayer language.  I left church that night a different person.  Holy Spirit changed me from the inside out and for the next 7 years I experienced things that I had only ever heard about:  signs, wonders, miracles, revelations. And then 9 years of struggle.

God’s says that “He humbles us, allows us to hunger”, why?  I think because it is possible to get to a point in our walk where we can become so full that we stop hungering for the greater things of God.  My storehouse was full and I thought that I had everything that I would need and when the rejection and hurt came my way, I pulled from my storehouse without adding to it.  I had depleted my resources and stopped seeking after the greater things of God.  My cave was decorated with my blessing of old but they were not enough to make it though.  We cannot live off yesterday blessing.  We must seek God daily.  God knows that we can become spiritually lazy that is why He showed Paul what was necessary for victory, a daily dying to flesh (1 Corth. 15:31).  If we stayed humble, then every day we will recognize that we can’t make it without Him.  We will recognize that daily we need flesh manna.  If God would not allow the Israelites to store us their manna, then why do we believe that we can. (Exodus 16:21)   God is not a God of leftovers, He gives fresh provision each and every day.  He wants us to stay hunger for Him because that is the only way that we will continue to seek the greater things of Him.  My cry is “God give me a gift of hunger.  Allow me to run daily after you.”

 

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Even after more than 30 years of knowing my savior Jesus, I am still amazed at how He knows what I need even when I don’t.  Isaiah 55:9 tells us that God’s “ways are higher than our ways” and recently I was reminded of that fact.

While volunteering at a concert recently, I had the pleasure of meeting a very nice gentleman.  There was something about this gentleman that struck me. I don’t know who can relate, but there have been times in my life when God will send someone into my path that pricks my spirit and this was one of those times.  This gentleman walked up to the stand that I was working and we started a conversation.  While talking, his hat caught my eye.  The symbol on the hat provoked me to ask him what it meant

WB  ./.

He explained to me that he had sat on this logo for some time but believed now was the time to share it with the public.  We spoke for a few more minutes and he turned to walk away.  Then unexpectedly, he turned back, handed me his business card, spoke a few words of encouragement and then left.  He walked away not even realizing the impact that he had just made.  In that short encounter, God used him to rock my foundation.  As I stood there looking at his card, I was in shock that this random strange saw something in me that I struggled to see in myself.  God used that moment to show me how valuable I was to Him, God.

For the last 10 years, I have struggled to pull myself out of a deep dark hole.  To look at me you would never guess that I struggled with rejection, loneness, a strong belief in the fact that I would never be good enough not matter what I did, and an overall sense of hopelessness.  I had a head knowledge that God loved me but very little heart knowledge.  This was my deep dark secret.  How can you serve God and say you love Him and on the inside struggle with feelings of worthlessness and doubting that God’s word was even true?  I had to keep up my façade of lies because it was better than letting people think you were a phony.  If I was still struggling with the same issues after so many years than I was the problem, right? But in that moment, God moved.

The logo on the hat stood for “Why Be Divided”.  I know that this gentleman was speaking to the world as a whole not to be divided among themselves, but God spoke a personal word to me.  God showed me how I had allowed myself to become divided by not believing in His word.  Part of me believed the lies and the other part of me wanted and needed to believe God.

When we come to salvation in Jesus, we come carrying all the baggage of our past.  Some bags fall away instantly and other we learn to lay down as we grow in our walk with the Lord.  But throughout the journey, our adversary the devil tries everything to keep us from letting go of our baggage.  He will use whoever he can to hold us back from walking in freedom and I hate to admit it but I allowed myself to fall into his trap.  I believed the lies others spoke about me.  And that decision caused me to fall into a “poor me attitude” of self-pity instead of fighting for God’s truth.  I became so tired of losing the battles, that I stopped fighting the war and when I looked up years had pasted and I was still in the same place.  This realized made me miserable.  I had found no comfort in my cave and I wanted to be set free of my bondages.  I had started the process of freedom months ago but at that moment I knew unless I truly let go, I would never be free.

Several months ago, I began a bible study with a group of ladies at a local church.  I did it because a friend asked me to attend and I thought it would be a great way to spend time with her.  As the study progressed, I knew that I was meant to be there.  It was making me confront my stuff from years back.  My façade was being dismantled piece by piece and I did not even realize it at first.  When you have been in a rut for so long, I believe that you get so use to the rut you don’t fight it any more.  Having been hurt time after time, my nature defenses had kicked in and my wall was up.  I had stopped feeling and truly did not realize it.  The wall around my emotions (and my heart) was tall and thick and breaking free would only come through the love of my Father.  What did God do?  Exactly what He promised, to “never leave me“(Deu. 31:8). He showed me His love.  How?  By exposing the areas in my life that I have given over to the enemy.  But He did not stop there, He showed me how to tear down my wall of lies.

“And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand”

Mark 3:25

In the third chapter of Mark, we see Jesus and His disciple speaking with the teachers of the law about the kingdom of darkness.  Jesus is accused of performing miracles by the power of darkness and Jesus teaching them about kingdom division.  Darkness will not cast out darkness.  Why?  Because why would it harm itself.  “.. if satan opposes himself and is divided, he cannot stand, his end has come.”  V26.  Division brings destruction.  My lack of belief in God’s word had allowed a divide to be birth in my spirit.  It became easier for me to believe lies than lean on the truth.  That internal struggle had spilled over into every area of my life.  When I struggled financially, I believed that God “was not there for me, that He was not going to provide for my needs”.  When I struggled in my relationships, I believed that “I was not worthy of friendships”.  If I struggled with my marriage, I believed it was “easier to leave than fight”.  There was no area in my life that satan’s lies did not touch.  I had allowed the enemy to come in through pain, but instead of standing on God’s word for victory, I gave into the lies and fell deeper into to the pit.  But even in the pit, Jesus was still there.  He had not given up on me and now it was time for me to seek Him.  I just did not want freedom, I sought after it.

It was time for me to change who I chose to listen to. The time had come to not only break the cycle but to destroy it.  The process would involve not only reading God’s word but knowing it.  Each new day was another opportunity to decide which voice to believe and the key would be recognizing the lies and choosing to believe the truth.  Thank you to the gentleman from California.  Without you even knowing it, you touched a life with WB ./.  You were right, it was the right time to bring it to the public.

*** www.father’s love letter.com  This is an excellent resource to know exactly how God sees His children.           Be blessed. ***

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