Even after more than 30 years of knowing my savior Jesus, I am still amazed at how He knows what I need even when I don’t. Isaiah 55:9 tells us that God’s “ways are higher than our ways” and recently I was reminded of that fact.
While volunteering at a concert recently, I had the pleasure of meeting a very nice gentleman. There was something about this gentleman that struck me. I don’t know who can relate, but there have been times in my life when God will send someone into my path that pricks my spirit and this was one of those times. This gentleman walked up to the stand that I was working and we started a conversation. While talking, his hat caught my eye. The symbol on the hat provoked me to ask him what it meant
He explained to me that he had sat on this logo for some time but believed now was the time to share it with the public. We spoke for a few more minutes and he turned to walk away. Then unexpectedly, he turned back, handed me his business card, spoke a few words of encouragement and then left. He walked away not even realizing the impact that he had just made. In that short encounter, God used him to rock my foundation. As I stood there looking at his card, I was in shock that this random strange saw something in me that I struggled to see in myself. God used that moment to show me how valuable I was to Him, God.
For the last 10 years, I have struggled to pull myself out of a deep dark hole. To look at me you would never guess that I struggled with rejection, loneness, a strong belief in the fact that I would never be good enough not matter what I did, and an overall sense of hopelessness. I had a head knowledge that God loved me but very little heart knowledge. This was my deep dark secret. How can you serve God and say you love Him and on the inside struggle with feelings of worthlessness and doubting that God’s word was even true? I had to keep up my façade of lies because it was better than letting people think you were a phony. If I was still struggling with the same issues after so many years than I was the problem, right? But in that moment, God moved.
The logo on the hat stood for “Why Be Divided”. I know that this gentleman was speaking to the world as a whole not to be divided among themselves, but God spoke a personal word to me. God showed me how I had allowed myself to become divided by not believing in His word. Part of me believed the lies and the other part of me wanted and needed to believe God.
When we come to salvation in Jesus, we come carrying all the baggage of our past. Some bags fall away instantly and other we learn to lay down as we grow in our walk with the Lord. But throughout the journey, our adversary the devil tries everything to keep us from letting go of our baggage. He will use whoever he can to hold us back from walking in freedom and I hate to admit it but I allowed myself to fall into his trap. I believed the lies others spoke about me. And that decision caused me to fall into a “poor me attitude” of self-pity instead of fighting for God’s truth. I became so tired of losing the battles, that I stopped fighting the war and when I looked up years had pasted and I was still in the same place. This realized made me miserable. I had found no comfort in my cave and I wanted to be set free of my bondages. I had started the process of freedom months ago but at that moment I knew unless I truly let go, I would never be free.
Several months ago, I began a bible study with a group of ladies at a local church. I did it because a friend asked me to attend and I thought it would be a great way to spend time with her. As the study progressed, I knew that I was meant to be there. It was making me confront my stuff from years back. My façade was being dismantled piece by piece and I did not even realize it at first. When you have been in a rut for so long, I believe that you get so use to the rut you don’t fight it any more. Having been hurt time after time, my nature defenses had kicked in and my wall was up. I had stopped feeling and truly did not realize it. The wall around my emotions (and my heart) was tall and thick and breaking free would only come through the love of my Father. What did God do? Exactly what He promised, to “never leave me“(Deu. 31:8). He showed me His love. How? By exposing the areas in my life that I have given over to the enemy. But He did not stop there, He showed me how to tear down my wall of lies.
“And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand”
In the third chapter of Mark, we see Jesus and His disciple speaking with the teachers of the law about the kingdom of darkness. Jesus is accused of performing miracles by the power of darkness and Jesus teaching them about kingdom division. Darkness will not cast out darkness. Why? Because why would it harm itself. “.. if satan opposes himself and is divided, he cannot stand, his end has come.” V26. Division brings destruction. My lack of belief in God’s word had allowed a divide to be birth in my spirit. It became easier for me to believe lies than lean on the truth. That internal struggle had spilled over into every area of my life. When I struggled financially, I believed that God “was not there for me, that He was not going to provide for my needs”. When I struggled in my relationships, I believed that “I was not worthy of friendships”. If I struggled with my marriage, I believed it was “easier to leave than fight”. There was no area in my life that satan’s lies did not touch. I had allowed the enemy to come in through pain, but instead of standing on God’s word for victory, I gave into the lies and fell deeper into to the pit. But even in the pit, Jesus was still there. He had not given up on me and now it was time for me to seek Him. I just did not want freedom, I sought after it.
It was time for me to change who I chose to listen to. The time had come to not only break the cycle but to destroy it. The process would involve not only reading God’s word but knowing it. Each new day was another opportunity to decide which voice to believe and the key would be recognizing the lies and choosing to believe the truth. Thank you to the gentleman from California. Without you even knowing it, you touched a life with WB ./. You were right, it was the right time to bring it to the public.
*** www.father’s love letter.com This is an excellent resource to know exactly how God sees His children. Be blessed. ***